30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 7

 "What is your opinion on cheating on people?"

[Mike]
Eee-gads what are we doing? Talk about putting it all out there! (pun intended) Ok, serious face. Why am I talking about this? Every life is a story. 

We have led interesting lives so far. The world was a completely different place eighteen years ago, when we started dating in college. The world was as optimistic and as full of potential as we were. Like most college students, we loved to go to crazy parties. We had big personalities and loved a lot of attention and were honest about that from the get go. We knew we were in this together and were going to go through it all together. 

In college, we had a lot of girl friends, went to crazy parties, drank and had fun. Sure with our drinking lifestyle, there would be pockets of drama from that. Other than a handful of uncomfortable times, jealousy at least never seeped into our everyday. It all seemed part of the deal with college. 

Besides, we both liked the dynamic. It's exciting to tell people of our adventures and go on new ones with them. Things were, for the most part, way more innocent than they seemed, but it just felt so exciting. Together in every class, sometimes working together, and then partying with the gals. Years and years went by like this. 

After college, the drinking caught up with me. I got sick and stopped for a time. During this time, Crystal and I got real jobs and had to be apart during work hours for the first time in seven years. It was exciting to have careers starting up. Everything seemed to be falling into place again. 

Then we got reacquainted with a gal from my party past. I always thought she was interesting back then, and thought we were ready to open up a little again. After some time we all hit it off and we were right back in the party scene. Life seemed like an amazing dream of parties, cool people, concerts, trips, you name it. Our life was everything I wanted it to be. Except I started noticing that I got "bummers" more than I had before and I started to feel anxious for no reason. 

Then I caught feelings for this person. I was happy with everything, except I started to get jealous of the attention she and Crystal got. I would realize I'm more confident than that though and it would pass. Then one night I finally gave in had some wine, I had a blast and then told this person how I felt. I figured the feeling wasn't shared. My best tipsy thinking thought maybe if she knew I how I felt, she'd tone down the stories of her dates and that sort of stuff, at least when we were out together. 

It didn't seem to go over well. She seemed weirded out at first, but things seemed to get back to normal, only now it felt weird and a little embarrassing. Things seemed okish for a time then she met  someone, and said it was too weird and we can't hang out. I was devastated. I remember feeling numb then really down. I tried to hide it. I was already back to drinking before this, but it didn't help. She came back around and we all started hanging out again, but the damage was done for me. I never wanted to say or do anything to make anyone uncomfortable or her leave again.  I just wanted all of us to get along again. 

Then that financial crisis hit. The business I worked for kept me for as long they could. I really felt the pressure to save this company somehow but just couldn't. This took the drinking to new heights. My confidence shaken to the core after this business closed, I needed escape more than ever. I was super down. We partied more. I got a new similar job shortly after. But after a month or two I knew it would be met with the same fate as the other business. I tried even harder but still came up short. 

This was it. Confidence down I sought parties and escape even more. I chased the blues away but upping the partying factor ever higher. More drinking buddies, people interested in the gals. I needed more drinks to "bring back the confidence," but it became less effective. 

I don't know exactly when, but at some point, my psyche checked out. Life became a dark blur of bars, theme parks and strange places. I tried and tried to get back on my feet, but because of how I was feeling physically and emotionally I started to lose hope. I don't want to paint an all dark picture. We still managed some great times. But that would wear off. 

Life was full of as many ups and downs as our theme park life. How was I going to turn things around? Crystal was stressed at work, so I felt I couldn't show any of this outwardly. I wanted her to be stress-free in her home life at least, so I tried to bury that stress. I was still jealous and hurting over our friend dating people. I didn't want to be that guy. I just wanted to be chill and be cool, but I felt I couldn't do anything about it.

I couldn't tell our friend I'm done and it's too painful for me. Besides, it wouldn't be fair to the girls just because I'm lame. So I went along anyhow.  I remember being in a big group, sometimes seeing my friends laugh and have fun, and feeling so alone. I tried to keep quiet and drink it away. Who could I talk to about it? Who would care? Who could possibly empathize with me? I kept it in and drank. Sometimes sullen, sometimes I felt too embarrassing to be around. Life was once again ups and downs and a few hospital trips again. This was enough, time to fix things.

I decided that perhaps it was time to get married. We had a great proposal and everything seemed so hopeful. I fought so hard to get life in order. I got a job in a few months. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be and I was let go after a couple of weeks. I didn't work fast enough. This set off a mini panic attack. We were getting married in a few months. Nobody believes in us, and now I blew it with a new job, I have nothing to offer and no prospects? I somehow pushed it down. I hit the bottle again. The time before the wedding was a blur. My nerves held together by a thread. 

I kept to myself all summer, and before I knew it, another couple we know and who had been our close friends throughout all of this, had their wedding day come. Theirs was a few months before ours and a much bigger extravaganza, and we were in it. We had a fun rehearsal. But then all the people and the enormity of it all started setting in. It was a big wedding with tons of people, and they were stressed, and the reality of  "I'm doing this too in a few months" started really weighing down on me. 

Not because I was unsure, but because I felt worthless at the time. Their wedding was big and expensive and I'm supposed to marry my Crystal, after all we've been through,  being a broke, fat, drunk, asshat? I hit the bottle but then felt sick. I'm an embarrassing mess at this point. I know it but I've got to get through it. 

I had avoided most friends up until this point. Especially the gal mentioned earlier. In all the hubbub, I forgot she was coming to their wedding too. There she was standing in front of me unexpectedly. She was smiling and coming to say hi before the ceremony started. She looked lovely, but beyond that, all the emotion of the last years pressed down, and it felt like the floor bottomed out from under me. 

I began to hear a high-pitched ringing that drowned out all sound. I thought my heart might explode. I felt my eyes begin to tear up. Again not just because of her, the weight of being a shitty person to everyone and having no prospects and having a day where you're to show how successful you are. I felt like I wanted to run, cry, something. I just went numb and went on auto pilot. I don't remember being in the wedding or any antics after and thank god, cause I've seen the pics. I'm glad we were still friends after that. What I can vaguely remember is a nightmarish sobbing meltdown, confess-all to our friend and to Crystal later. I finally passed out. 

She was mad, I felt two feet tall, all and sick for weeks after. We pushed forward though. We talked as best we could, and things settled down. She seemed to cheer up a little and finally start to get excited, and I did too. Our big day came, it was a blur. Of course, I over did it, acted the fool and passed out, but that was par for the course with that group. Looking back, I guess I'm glad it went that way. 
This would be the last time I'd see most my of my friends from this time. We've bumped into people here and there over the years. I ran into the gal I spoke of earlier once more two months after the wedding, at a friends concert. It was weird. Things had changed so much in that time already. I remember it was a cold night. I don't remember if I even said good bye. That was the last time I saw her or anyone from that time. 
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This gal had started seeing this guy A few years before the wedding. Of course, I was jealous at first, but he didn't piss me off like other dudes she saw did. We had a similar vibe, so he seemed relatable and a nice guy. He seemed to really think she was something, and I could say I'm glad she's happy and mean it. They were neighbors. They dated for a few years. I was too sick or bummed to wanna hang out all the time, so Crystal would go visit our gal friend and him. Over the years this couple grew apart though and were on-again off-again until for whatever reason the gal moved back home across town. Crystal and this guy liked to talk to vent work stresses, and I think both parties felt put upon sometimes by the demands of family. 

They wanted to chat now then still. I was always invited. I even went a few times. They would just talk and talk about work. It was a reminder that I wasn't working, I felt less than, but I was glad she was able to vent. Due to the on again off again relationship with this guy and our gal friend, any suspicion I had about him hanging with Crystal was quelled by the notion that neither of them would do that to me or our gal friend. They might get back together, and that would be weird. 

Besides, like I said. We said we're going through everything no matter what years and years earlier. She liked the attention but never really seemed interested in other guys, but we always had a favorite gal friend, and I knew she might catch a feeling for some guy eventually. Feel a thirst as the "kids" say today. I was never particularly threatened by that notion. We lived the party life, something might happen, but as my T-shirt and my planet-sized ego would attest; "I'm King Ding-Dong." 

"King Ding Dong"

Like I said he seemed like a nice guy, if I had even had a warning that something might happen I'd have been more understanding. 

In the days after the wedding, it was confusing. This thing that been such a focus, such a shift in life all centered around this one day, and it passed. I was really pleased, except something felt off. I attributed it to my estranged family not showing up to the wedding. They would have been miserable in that crazy scene, and I didn't expect them to be there at all. But I channeled all the "off" feelings into that notion and disowned them over the phone. 

I was joking about something which made me ask "wait have you" and "This guy" done anything?" I thought maybe she would giggle and say they snuck a smooch at worst. 
She turned white as a sheet and said; "Well......" My ears started wringing my stomach bottomed out. Wasnt expecting it or for it to feel that way. This was the day we left for our honeymoon. Suddenly all the insecurity about having seemingly no prospects and being depressed came flooding in like the elevator doors opening to a deluge of blood like that scene in The Shining. 

Maybe she deserved a hard worker that wasn't forlorn and cared about his family. Those were some hard first days in the beautiful mountains. After a while, I came around. It was a crazy stressful time, we loved to drink, and I thought something like that might happen, people do crazy stuff before they get married. No one did anything I wouldn't do if given the chance. It was a real jack move on both their parts. Disrespectful, but what did I do to earn anyone's respect? Nothing. 

I thought well, we're starting a new. We had a great honeymoon period after despite everything. I cleaned up my act. Stopped the sauce, we seemed to grow closer. I didn't want to take away her friend; I wanted to be adult about things for once, take the high road. I faced him, personally forgave him, shook his hand. I accepted that them remaining friends was risky, but I was ok. I was even able to joke and tease her about it. Then we really didn't see anyone for a while, about a month. We were digging being married. At least I was. Then he invited us to happy hour. It got later and later until I was tired. She asked if I was sure weirdly, but then assured me she'd be back soon. 
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Soon came and went. Midnight no word. 12:30 no word. No text, to call. Were they ok? Did they get in an accident? They were supposed to be out at a bar. One in the morning. I'm starting to fear the worst. Did the cops stop them? Nothing. Panic starts to set in. I remember the find my phone feature. I ping the phone. The location comes back to his house. Sigh. Did I miss something? Was I supposed to expect this? 

I was off the sauce, but with the panic, I remember I had a bottle or two of wine around. I started in on that. I called a close friend for help she didn't know what to say. In my emotional state, I thought the one person who knows him might be able to help me through this. I hesitated. I decided to try to call Crystal one more time. A very groggy her picked up. I asked if it was as bad I think. She said yeah. I said ok, are you coming home soon? Probably not. 
Ok, I knew she was alive at least. Did I mention I was to work with her that week at her job to help out. This was supposed to be my big debut, a married man, working hard,  getting it done? That was all brother. I called our gal friend. His ex. I thought she was over him. I expected her to get upset with me for seemingly being a loser and "letting this" happen. 
 
That's not what happened at all. I felt her go numb through the phone. It was horrible. She didn't believe me, told me to get help in disgust, and hung up on me. 

It felt like a portal to hell opened up. The next few days would be some of the darkest lowest moments of my life. Pure grief and misery. The last two people in the world I loved and cared about have thrown me away. She came home right before she needed to leave for work. She was disheveled, unrepentant and seemed more concerned about how she'd be embarrassed if I don't go to work with her in a few minutes. I told her what I thought of that, and she went off to work. 

The next few days were nothing but darkness. We stayed apart, and I languished in torment basically. That's as much as I want to say about that. We started talking again, and I agreed to go to work with her after all that, sick from drinking and exhausted from life and having to look ok and try not to destroy the few shreds of credibility I had left. Things got back to normal slowly. I spoke with the gal again. She apologized for not believing me, said she still cared, but it would be too painful even to remain FB friends. All of the friends want(ed) to forget we ever existed. I don't blame them. 

One day when feeling low, and on the bottle, the thought of that hurt very much this got to me. I wrote a long rambling message about how she hurt me/us and I didn't want to talk to her again. 

She didn't know how hurt I was all that time. I hid it away. It wasn't fair to foist that blame of that, on her after all this. I regretted it immediately. I've tried to reach out in years since if only to apologize quickly for being an ass. It's too late for that. 

The first year of marriage never let up. It was tough the whole time. We enjoyed each other, but carried around the shame of who we were everywhere. After having years of cohorts and companions, it was a shift to going places with just each other.
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We had to relearn everything that made us, us. It was a hard road fraught with bummers and binges still. We found comfort in the bars we used to go to and would have fun again until, I got too sick and I'd stop and get over it, and start up again. I had times of clarity, but I still didn't see much hope. 

This up and down continued for a couple years until we decided to get healthy. We ate right, didn't drink, and lost tons weight. We felt great and confident again. Yet it always felt kinda sad though that no one was around to see the change. Things seemed great, I was talking my way into a design job. We went to Hawaii with new friends. 
But when we got back the job never went anywhere. Since I picked up drinking on vacation, I got sad and back into it. I was down, and couldn't make it to a party the friends we went with carefully planned after. It broke their heart and they never really forgave us. Who'd blame them. 

After, I felt just awful and decided to get back on track. Really buckle down and learn Illustrator and get back to it. Things seemed hopeful until Crystal's Dad died. It was a nightmarish time as misfortune after misfortune beleaguered us. Suddenly all the problems around the property and in life we had been ignoring while going through all this, were now our problem. I flipped out. I can't fix stuff and do things he can. I hit the bottle again in a panic. During this horrid time is the one time we finally connected with old friends. We were ass-hats, and I'm sure it seemed like nothing had changed. 

I ended up in the hospital a few weeks later. Again, two months after her dad died. It was so bleak it was all we could do was try and move on from this set back. More months in a haze. Then Crystal's friend from far was coming for a visit. We had a blast the last time and were really looking forward to it. I started to feel a blue streak coming on. For reasons unknown, I thought one more time that drinking would liven me up. I didn't wanna be on a bummer for this visit. I had been feeling physically not well either. 

Not from drinking, but a weird fever like feeling that would come and go. The fever mixed with too much booze and I didn't get along with her friend. Knowing I probably blew it, and would now probably have to stay home for the remainder of her trip, and I wept. Suddenly every bit of sorrow from missing friends and rejection came crushing over me. 

I lashed out. I went on embarrassing FB rants. Something else wasn't right though I felt sick but not the usual way. Once again Crystal stayed away, and I languished for days. I assumed it was the drinking even though I didn't think it had been enough to cause this. I spent days puking in a constant state of shivers. My medication ran out. I couldn't hold food down. But I was determined not to go to the hospital again. I sipped water and nibbled crackers. I didn't sleep for fear of not waking up. Fever getting worse. Mind racing. Three days no sleep. My comfort show Parks and Rec on 24/7 as I looked at the ceiling shivering and suffering.
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After some water and I begin to feel better. I shimmy to the restroom, sit down, look up at my face. It's starting to swell. My face is swelling and changing. Crystal is still avoiding me. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I text our friend who's a nurse. She says get to the hospital asap. Crystal gets back to me and is visibly horrified by the sight of me. Brain telling me system shut down imminent unless medical treatment. Mortal danger like I never felt. 

We get to the hospital. They see me, they know me, they're trying to treat me for booze and are being very rude to me. I'm not responding. Apparently, I had a seizure. On the outside I was seizing. On the inside, I had no idea. From my perspective, the doctors and nurses faces turned to evil. They were insulting me, telling me I'm terrible and they're gonna take me away. I lost track of the boundaries of reality as I seized again getting an MRI. They discovered a severely infected tooth. It seemed like it broke off years before. But other than being chipped off a little, it didn't hurt, stink or anything. The infection was deep in there. They gave me gnarly antibiotics. 

From my perspective, I battled horrid delusions of the evil doctors trying to take me away to hell. Give me a hot dose. 
I had terrors for a day, and then the monsters went away. 
I heard my favorite characters from Parks and Rec in the hospital. I was still delusional. I don't remember anything after that. 
I woke up in my bed at home. No memory of how I got there. I was so thankful to be in my bed. I was different though. It felt like I had been in a coma for 12 years and woke up to a life that completely shocked me and a life that needed to be rebuilt. My mouth was all torn up and I still couldn't eat solid food for days. It hurt badly. That was it. 

I made the hardest call in my life and signed myself up for outpatient rehab has soon as I felt well enough. Going in that place for the first time is something I'll never forget.
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I got diagnosed with anxiety and the big cliny-D. Depression. Turns out all that hard partying was self medicating to curb my severe anxiety. That crazy stigma that I avoided for years was now something I had to accept. This is a for life thing and I'll just have to accept it. I went to AA, and got both a psychiatrist and a therapist, and different meds. I learned that I didn't need a big traumatic moment to feel that way. Given my folks proclivity to worrying, it was probably genetic. 
I started to feel better and make clear accomplishments over the last year with varying degrees of success. Things seem hopeful, getting back on track. I felt now is the time to get over the embarrassment and shame regarding our personal lives away. 
I couldn't talk about it much in therapy. I wanted to focus on cognitive skills to get me back on track. My public blog is the last place I thought I wanted to share this but that's just it. I'm here talking about it. I understand. I've been through stuff. I made it through, you can too.

It was through small things like taking care of our cat, to big things like getting help. I'm moving forward but it won't be a walk in the park, but I can't be in the shadows forever. If anybody who was a part of these said events is reading, that's the story as best I remember it through all that. I don't want this to stir up any discomfort or make any lame attempts at excuses. This was me speaking my truth as I saw it. 
I'm sorry that none of you got to really know me. We did have truly fun and real times. This was my hurt, it was meant to stay that way. However, I can't go on pretending that the past never happened. Or be ashamed to post a fun memory. We existed, we ruled, we laughed through it all. We really lived. Keep scrolling for Crystal's take on things.
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The question was your opinion on cheating on people? Affection is hard to define and means different things to different folks. Some people will be exciting. No matter what you think or how well you know your partner, it could happen to you. Can you make it through that? Would you want to? These complicated situations sometimes look very different to the people inside them. Put all this in mind before you are quick to judge others. 

I wanted to say that, because I had never even said some of these feelings to Crystal before. I've never been able to put this into words with anyone. It's very tough, but very soul cleansing, Thank you and take care.  

-Mike

[Crystal]

We loved the party scene for many years. Girls, booze, parties, incriminating pictures, late nights, concerts, skinny dipping, costume galas... ah crap, I'm getting off topic and remembering all of the fun times again. Fun, but very hazy and dark times...

Trying to put back the pieces later with photographic evidence sometimes skewed reality even more. I remember uploading my camera images that next hungover morning, and we'd say "Oh my gosh, that looks so bad!" [lol] "Post it!"

99% of the time, it was totally innocent too. Staged-type photos almost to shock our MySpace or Facebook audiences. Some were raunchy, some were even questionable, but all in good fun.

Party Bus - 2010

I remember out shouting at Mike's 28th birthday "Ok, now all of the girls get in the picture with Heff and look sexy!" as Mike's grin stretched ear to ear, and all the scandalously clad ladies dressed as Playboy bunnies and Gangstas surrounded him (including me)! 

Mike's Playboy Bunny Gangsta Birthday Party 2008

Oh, what people must have thought, but we didn't care! We knew the truth, and we loved one another. And it didn't matter what "Becky" from that old High School English class thought.

We had graduated college together, and we were double income, no kids, and no worries really. We were having a second college experience since we never dormed and partied it up night after night... after night! 

Muah! 

In addition, throughout our relationship, we always had a third. This person acted as my best friend, and as Mike's confidence builder and confidant. They were someone we could take to our same old places, but with them, they were new and magical again! We always put our best foot forward to be the best versions of ourselves that we could. They honestly made us better people.

Suddenly, our old stories were hilarious again, hearing them for the first time from both of our perspectives. I loved the dynamic! Although I must admit, at times, I would feel a bit jealous. Like I wasn't enough. 

Then in 2010, Mike lost his third job in a row, whose businesses was going under because of the recession. These layoffs took a big blow to his ego and self-confidence. Luckily, we'd have our third, our many friends and alcohol to rely on for emotional support.

Then in 2011, we went to Germany and got engaged. I was thrilled! But then, a panic set over me. Of course, I said "yes," but did this mean the "good times" had to end?

Bernkastle Engagement - September, 2011

The pressure was on to plan a wedding. The partying still continued, tensions mounted and somehow, with all the compounded stresses, we drifted apart.

After getting drunk at a friends wedding, (where he even tried to drink those bubbles shaped like a mini-champagne bottles) and he passed out in the foyer, and I questioned everything that was quickly becoming a reality before my very eyes.

I cried that night and consulted with my drunk party-girl friends. Was getting married going to change everything? Was I making the right decision? Did I even want to be "tied down"?

Over the next few weeks, I did some serious drinking... I mean, ugh - "thinking". Well, let's be honest - thinking while doing some serious drinking. And somewhere along the way, I made a bad decision after a trip to Disneyland with friends. 

What the f was I doing? Where was my life going? At this point, just a few months before the big day - should I put it all on the line and fess up? Or should I just swallow it, and not risk jeopardizing my relationship, my friends, my family, and my future.  

I chose the latter. 

We had a wonderful day! We had family and friends there from all over. Mike and I met back in 1999, so we collaged pictures of all our crazy days that lined the entire first floor of the Wedding ship. What an adventure it had been so far, and to the outside viewer, our future looked so bright!

But I had something hanging over me. A secret that I couldn't keep from my new husband anymore. It was eating me up inside. Like a cancer. So I told him on our honeymoon.

The damage is way too personal to get into (as if I haven't crossed that line already), but it was devastating to us both. The trust had been broken. There were people I had hurt. This is truly my shame. It is my cross to bear. 

So instead of going to couples therapy or talking it out rationally, we drank more. He told my friends out of anger and spite. Hurting them and causing a permanent split in our relationship. I was the bad guy. The liar. The cheat. 

I moved in with a friend over the New Year (one that still stood by me after all this.) Those who didn't know, I just kept in the dark. I had damaged so many in this mess that I couldn't bear risking the resentment and shame from any more people in my circle. (Although, I know how these things circulate... and of course, people talk.)

I was absolutely miserable and lost. I couldn't bring myself to even tell my parents. I missed Mike, but neither of us was in a good place to talk about it.

So he decided to tell my parents for me. They called me thinking he was drunk or just making shit up. This couldn't be true of their "perfect daughter." Facing them was harder than I ever could have imagined.  I had never felt two inches tall before. But ya know what, they still listened to me, loved me and accepted it and wanted to help us carry on. They discussed our living situation, and if I needed to move back home for a time, they even offered me my old childhood bedroom back. 

So where do we go from here?  How does someone who hits rock bottom realize, well, there's nowhere to go but UP.

So that we did. We talked about it together. I wrote letters to those I felt we wronged. We started raising a kitten, who appeared at our doorstep not long after the wedding. We avoided people who couldn't look past this ugly battle scar. We went to therapy. I joined the Camera Club. I advanced into management at work and got my own office. And then Mike wound up in the hospital a few more times from drinking. 

More demons to get off our back. It was time to shed this constant in our lives now. Strange, how something that can cause so much laughter and joy can also cause so much pain and suffering. And trust me, Mike was suffering both physically and emotionally. Pancreatitis is no joke. It can be painfully deadly. So can depression.

Then almost two years ago, my dad went to the hospital and ended up passing away from organ failure after a lifetime of drinking. My whole world changed from that point on. 
A few months later, Mike also found himself in the hospital because of an infected tooth. He actually seized in the hospital and I thought I was going to lose him too. This was too much for me. It made me reevaluate my whole life, and our relationship with alcohol. 
After getting out of the hospital and getting the infected tooth pulled, he started to come out of this haze. Mike went to outpatient rehab, he sought therapy and AA. And I began to attend a group on campus that offers support to those whose family is affected by an alcoholic. So 1.4 years later now, and we're both sober. We can't change the past, but we can at least learn from it.  

So what is my opinion on cheating on people? Well, nobody is perfect and even the best of us can make terrible mistakes. My life will be forever changed, and the trust I formed with my life partner can never totally be rebuilt. But we're working through it. Trying to pick up the pieces, make amends and be better people both individually and to one another. I love my husband with all my heart, I always have and I always will.

I will be embarassed for all that occurred in those chaotic partying times, but using tools like communication, honesty, therapy, sobriety, and even blogging to get it out in the universe is slowly becoming the key to our recovery. Admitting I am not perfect, and that we have made mistakes, makes us more vulnerable, yet somehow more human. I'm sick of these feelings of guilt and shame and having terrible secrets. So here it is. My dirty laundry, hanging up to dry.

So thanks for reading, hopefully not judging too harshly, and knowing that we all have our skeletons in the closet, but they are part of what makes us who we are. Sometimes you need to be broken, to be built back up again. So here we are, rebuilding our lives, one brick at a time.

- Crystal Olguin

Day 7

August 5, 2017

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